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In December of 2011, Grey and I were in the middle of our first cycle of IVF. Following the good news about fertilization, we found ourselves in a strange period where we were holding our breathe as our embryos grew. An odd sort of waiting period as we had more information then most couples will ever have about potential pregnancy, yet nothing was guaranteed.
One night during this period, I stopped at a local bakery to pick up some madeleines for dessert before picking up Grey from work. Upon picking up Grey, an idea manifested that we would take a detour and stop outside the clinic so we could be close to our embryos, sending them well-wishes. We were certainly a strange sight for anyone who passed, as we looped the building a couple of times in order to pinpoint where the embryology lab was located. Then we stood holding one another, talking out-loud to our potential embryos, encouraging them to grow.
It was in that moment that Grey took out one of those madeleine cookies and rested it against the wall of the clinic, below a window that we assumed lead to the lab.
It's been over 5 years since that night.
Last night I made a batch of madeleines, beginning the work to find a recipe that we'll enjoy. I left them on the countertop to cool overnight, not thinking about that night. Till this morning, when both Beats spotted those cookies. And in that moment when they both reached up to retrieve a 5:30 am treat, I found myself wiping away tears.
Like many, my time in the trenches has lead to me collecting symbols and signs. From fertility bracelets and mantras to pennies and rainbows, my collection swelled. Getting pared down over time to those things that symbolized hope and light during moments when darkness threatened to take over. Two particular objects, a locket that I acquired before my second miscarriage and a pendant acquired prior to our final FET, have been most dear to me. The locket representing those potential babies lost too soon; the pendant acting as a promise and reminder that there is light and hope in the world. Still, the others hold meaning. Pennies and madeleine cookies. Cherry blossoms and rainbows. Reminders of all that has happened. Reminders of all that has been.
And reminders of why it's important to believe that if its not okay, its not the end.
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